Birthdays can be a lot of fun but this year I can’t help but to reflect on the past year and feel a bit of sadness. I feel like it was wasted. Another year of ME holding me back. Again, I feel like my illnesses have frozen me in place while the rest of the world flies past me. Others progress through their life while look at my own and just see empty days of laying in bed, struggling through every task, working so hard towards my goals and dreams in life but getting no closer to them.
This past year has not gone according to plan. Since my relapse last year around this time, ME and Fibro symptoms have steadily and substantially increased. Once again we’re going through the circus of doctors who lack the understanding and will to understand my situation. Once again, looking for answers and finding more failed treatments.
I found myself being revisited by the all to familiar feelings of disappointment, frustration, and mourning. Yes, mourning. Many of us (I would guess all) who have gotten a chronic illness have gone through the mourning process. These illnesses take away so many things from us. Things that we used to do, who we used to be. Much like someone who’s lost a loved one, we go through the 5 stages of mourning because indeed we have lost who we once were, we’ve lost a part of ourselves. Due to several factors, I was not able to make it to the stage of acceptance for many years after I first became sick. I am thankful that at least this time around I have much more knowledge, and support that I did not before and I think I am coming to acceptance once again.
Acceptance is not giving up. I will continue to hope and look for answers. To find better ways of handling my life with a chronic illness and still be myself. I am working to be content in where God has put me. To trust in Him, and seek His plan, and not my own. To learn from these experiences and use them to help others.
This is my mission statement for the 23 year of my life. Though I may feel like it sometimes, I know that it is not true that these past months were a waste. Anew, God as show me good and taught me many things through these terrible illnesses. I managed to start this blog, something which has been a dream of mine for a very long time. Due to being housebound much of the time, through the internet, I have met several new friends and acquaintances. Again, I am amazed by all the love and support of the spoonie community. These are just a few of the positive changes that have come about through a dark time in my life.
ME and Fibro are not easy, and will never be easy illnesses to live with. As I said, today I did not wake up with cheer in my heart. I felt a bit sad. And that’s ok, it’s reasonable and natural to feel sadness about the pains of life. But, at the same time, I realize that if I keep my eyes closed I will only see the darkness, but if I open my eyes up to God’s work in my life, I will see the good that He does, all around me.
I hope that you will find the courage to find the little treasures of life and see the love and blessings that comes from God. And I hope that, just like Paul and Silas, we will continue to praise God even in hard times and have faith in Him; that we may be a light for Him and give hope to others.
“…But at midnight Paul and Silas were praying and
singing hymns to God, and the prisoners
were listening to them…”
This may have been a bit of an unusual birthday post but I just wanted to share with you some of my thoughts and hopefully be an encouragement. Thank you for reading. And thank you to my friends, family, and spoonie community for all the love and support. Sending love and prayers to each of you.